Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
What?!?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Not today.. 😂
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.