Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.