[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them