Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.