If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
this has done me in for some reason
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
i really liked this one
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!