If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.![]()
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
(2022)
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”