When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.