When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off