The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Okay me first
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight