i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no