Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I beg your pardon?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.