@bsuphoesdown

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

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@girl_a_whirl

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

@tastefactory

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

@Jesssicle

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”