*aircrafts dropping from the sky
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”