never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
#FunnyLife Insects
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I don’t get marriage
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.