I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.