*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”