I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Always a metermaid never a meter
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Bed should get ready for ME
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!