My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……