When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You Might Also Like
No Google it does not
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.