I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
What a chick magnet..
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.