My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
This kid will have a bright future.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
just left a huge legacy in there
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Banking tips
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom