Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

I am yelling

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Gemma Correll

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁