murderer: I’m outside your house
me: I’m at the supermarket
me: I’ll be there in 10
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
ME: No minibar?
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity