*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

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murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10


oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out


Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like


Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.


ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.


When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”


It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…