[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
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I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out