They also CAN sing✌️
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.