That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*puts words between two asterisks*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers