Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”