Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty