I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.