I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”