inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.