Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.