I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.