In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast