People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You Might Also Like
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
emergency phone
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
the dark web is just a goth google.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.