My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
You Might Also Like
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie