*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.