I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
What an awful time to have common sense.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.