What an awful time to have common sense.
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Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
We have a winner.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!