[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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True?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
…u ok Nintendo?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something