I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.