I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
oh shit
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Unimpressed
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.