it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩