WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Dammit Chief not again
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The Punning Dead.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.