Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Made something I’m not proud of
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”