My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
#Caturday
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.