That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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Not recommended for beginners.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol