[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.