3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Happy thanksgiving
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL