Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
You Might Also Like
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person