God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Butt weight. There’s more!
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life