@timdonakowski

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

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@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@Mister_Veritas

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

@SirEviscerate

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

@TwistdidMind

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

@ilovepie84

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

@RAFtailgunner

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.