Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far