#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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#DesignFail
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
this makes me so uncomfortable
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector