Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”